If Only
by Stop-it-Kota
Summary: Too worried about her own limits, Beckett finally realizes that she just might have pushed Castle passed his own. Giving him hope for something more to only keep pulling away. Can she figure out what Castle means to her before its too late?   1st story.
1. Obsession

If Only

This is my first Castle story. First real story I've tried to write as well.

I totally don't own Castle. Never will. Sadly. -_-

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><p>Obsession<p>

Lately things at the precinct hadn't been the same since Richard Castle had been following Beckett. They used to be able to smile, or laugh at one of Castle's random ass jokes during a hard case. Yet, now Castle was hardly ever around. Not that Esposito or Ryan blamed the guy. They both understood why he followed Beckett, it wasn't about the books. It hadn't been for the longest time. They both knew that the man was practically writing her love letters, yet still all she did was hold onto him and give him just enough for hope. It was getting a little sad about how much she seemed to need him, yet at the same time not need him. If he got too close, she'd push him away and act like nothing happened. There was only so much a man could take. Ryan and Esposito figured she learned her lesson after the whole Demming thing, but apparently not. Since the whole freezer and nearly blowing up into a thousand pieces, Castle's been distancing himself. It was like everyone at the precinct seemed to notice just not the one who needed to.

It was already 10:30 am and Castle wasn't at the precinct. It's been nearly two weeks since they were almost frozen to death in each other's arms. Two weeks since she walked away with Josh rather than Castle. Since then, Castle had given her more space than ever. Space, for once, that she didn't want; she couldn't blame him. She's kept him at arm's length for so long, but she's been so worried about her own limits that she didn't realize she just maybe had pushed him passed his own limits. Beckett was just about to open her mouth and ask Ryan and Esposito if they heard anything from Castle when Ryan's cell phone went off. Her eyes widened slightly, instantly recognizing the ring tone it was…Castle. "_Why the hell was he calling Ryan instead of me?" _Beckett thought as Ryan gave her a slightly hesitant look before he answered the phone. "Castle, man, where are you?" said Detective Ryan as he leaned back in his computer chair as he nodded his head listening to Castle talk. He had to turn his chair away from facing Beckett as look of hurt flashed across her face before it was gone- just as quickly as it appeared. For two people who were so clever at solving murders they couldn't even see what was right in front of them. "_Dunderheads."_ Ryan thought suddenly before his mind returned its focus back to Castle. "Yeah, Yeah, I'm listening. Alright, I'll let Beckett know. We still on for poker tonight? Alright sweet. Have fun at your meeting." Ryan then hung up his phone returning it back to his proper place, which of course was in his pocket. He turned back around facing Beckett, who had a slightly questioning look on her face, yet at the same time she was trying to look like she didn't care where Castle was. But they all knew the truth, since Castle's been doing the disappearing act on them; Beckett's been not so pleasant to be around. "Castle won't be in today, he's got a meeting with his publisher." Ryan told Beckett, who just shrugged her shoulders as if saying "whatever".

The blaring alarm going off in the early morning hours woke Castle up from his deep sleep. Looking up squinting at the red numbers it read 6:30 a.m. Castle yawned and rolled over after hitting the alarm clock with enough force that it fell from the nightstand. Getting up and stretching, Castle picked up his alarm clock and put it back on the nightstand. As he took a closer look at it, he saw it was cracked and almost to the point of breaking. "_Time to get a new one_." He thought before letting out a small yawn. Castle had another long night again. The last few weeks he's been hit with inspiration to write. Yet, it wasn't his normal type of writing. It was darker, darker than his last book where he killed Derrick Storm, not that he's killed off Nikki Heat… or is even considering it. He just couldn't allow himself to walk away from Nikki Heat…from Kate Beckett, the extraordinary KB. Deciding to wake himself up some more, he jumped into the shower then back out to dry off and get ready for his meeting with Gina. As soon he was done eating, he brushed his teeth and rinsed. Finally adding the finishing touches, he put on his shoes and was out the door at 7:00. Now meeting with his publisher Gina, aka his ex-wife, wasn't his favorite way to spend an entire day; they had plenty of things to discuss. They wanted him to write three more Nikki Heat books, and Castle wasn't completely sure he couldn't handle writing three more books based on Beckett. He thought, "_One more at the most. Maybe by then I've distanced myself enough out of her life, that I could continue my own."_ Along with that, they had the movie to discuss and then, of course, she wanted him to do a book tour….which Castle was totally against. He didn't have that much longer till his daughter, Alexis, was going off to college. He shuddered at the thought of his baby girl leaving him; he had more than a year left. Still, just the thought of him being all alone and his baby girl out there in the real world drove him crazy. Close to 10:30, Castle finally got a break from the meeting with Gina. She was driving him crazy; the whole company was driving him crazy. They were trying to get him sign a contract were he would write three more Nikki Heat books, rather just the one more he was willing to write. He just couldn't promise them three more. He let out a frustrated sigh as he ran a hand through his hair before digging into his pocket and calling Ryan. After his phone call with Ryan, Castle was forced into another hour full of discussions. They have only come to agreements about the tour and, of course, the simple discussions about the movie. The book issue was totally another story. The only thing they agreed about it was they'd talk about it again at a later date. Castle had never been more grateful to finally escape from the Black Pawn and Gina.

Castle took a deep breath once outside the doors and slowly let it out. Finally he was free. All he wanted to do now was to go to the Old Hunt and hide out in his basement for a while. "Hey! Are you Richard Castle?" A young man, who looked about 25, was calling out to Castle. He wore a black ball cap with a symbol of Monster Energy Drinks, and a pair of aviator sunglasses. Castle's shoulders slumped as he pivoted on the balls of his feet, turning towards the man who was stopping him from his freedom. He really wasn't in the mood for chit chat or for anyone's company at all. Yet, that didn't stop him from flashing the man his winning Richard Castle smile; the smile didn't reach his eyes as it once did a few years ago. "That I am. Can I help you with something?" The man gave Castle the most eerie smile he had ever seen, and then reached into his jacket. Seeming rather harmless, Castle was used to people pulling things out of their jackets and asking him to sign them. His eyes widened slightly as he quickly realized that this wasn't the case. The young man had pulled out a pistol, and before Castle even had the chance to even react, the man shot him. For a second, Castle didn't even remember how he got onto the ground. As he blinked back a few tears that threatened to slip down his cheek, that's when he felt the burning hot white pain that left him gasping. Castle was having trouble focusing on anything else besides the pain until a blurry figure stood over him; his face was all scrunched up in hate as he spoke so coldly, "Tell Derrick Storm, I said hi." Then Castle felt nothing.

Reviews please. Honest ones. Hate it. Love it. Just be honest I can take it. :D


	2. Broken

I planned to update on Sunday night, but things got in the way and well schools started for me as well.. Thank you for those who reviewed and all the awesome story alerts and even favorite alerts. It means a lot. Also huge thanks to Romano-Inferno, this chapter wouldn't be possible without him.

Still Don't own Castle.

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><p>Broken<p>

A few hours after hearing that Castle wasn't showing up, work at the precinct started to flow back into normalcy for Beckett at least B.C.( Before Castle), she was heading down to the Medical Examiner's room. As she walked in, Lanie was just finishing up looking at the body. "What do you have for me?" Beckett asked the M.E. "He had traces of Rodenticide." Lanie said "Rat poisoning?" Beckett asked interrupting Lanie before she could go on. Lanie gave her a small nod of her head before she went on. "The time of death was 12:30 p.m." Once Lanie was finished Beckett was quick as she tried to leave the room. Just knowing she was gonna get asked about Castle. "Wait! Hold up a sec. Why are you in such a hurry?" Lanie asked Beckett who instantly rolled her eyes, god she loved her best friend, but sometimes she just wanted to be left alone. "Girl, don't make me smack you; Lanie gently warned. "I'm fine." Beckett says quickly. "Are you sure you're fine?" Lanie asks again. "I mean where your shadow been because it's been a while since I saw him." "He's busy!" Beckett starts to say before she is interrupted by her ringing cell phone. She takes a quick look and recognizes the number pretty quickly. "_Weird. I wonder why she would be calling me in the middle of the day. Who knows?" _

Beckett thinks seeing that the number is Castle's daughter, Alexis. "Hello." Beckett answers the phone and what she hears next instantly has her whole world crashing down, all she could hear were hysterical mumbles on the other line and could only hear select words from Alexis. "Kate? Oh Kate…horrible…Dad…hospital …not sure…."a hysterical Alexis said to Beckett. "Alexis, calm down, I can't understand you." Beckett said. Once she finally understood what was happening, her face turned completely pale and it looked liked she'd faint right here and there. "I'll be right there!" Beckett whispered trying to stay strong for Alexis. "Sweetie, what is it?" Lanie asked at first she thought it was her father, till she heard Castle's daughter's name. Then she instantly knew something wasn't right. Not if she was calling Beckett. "Castle's, been shot." The word shot got stuck in Beckett's throat and she had to basically force it out of her mouth. She didn't even want to think about it. She needed Castle. She couldn't lose him.* I really ju…just need to get to the hospital." Beckett said, trying to get her feet to move. Knowing she was in no condition to drive, Lanie quickly called the boys and got Ryan to drive. The Captain instantly understood, Castle was one of them.

After entering the Emergency Room, Beckett finds a visibly shaken Alexis sitting in the waiting room. "Alexis." Beckett says as she enters the waiting room. "Oh, Detective Beckett!" Alexis says running towards her. When Alexis reaches Beckett, Alexis starts to cry hysterically again. Beckett, not sure what to say, just lets Alexis cry and pats her on the back trying her best to sooth her. This was all way too close to home. Nearly the same age when she lost her mother. Beckett quickly shook her head; she couldn't give up on Castle. He wouldn't leave Alexis, wouldn't leave her. After a moment of crying, Beckett decides to ask Alexis a question. "Alexis, what all do you know about what happened to your father?" Beckett asks. "All the doctors have told me was that he was found shot on the sidewalk outside where he had his meeting." Alexis tells the Detective, that's when she finally realizes that Gina was there, she had this strange look on her face.

That said if he pulled out of this it was gonna make him even more famous, and her even richer. If he didn't, she'd still get richer. Gina was on her phone talking to who knows who, but Beckett instantly wanted to punch her. "_Has she been on that damn phone the entire time and not even bothered to comfort Alexis?" _Beckett thought.

Beckett pushed her anger away from Gina and returned her attention back to the girl, who was shaking in her arms… "Does Martha know about this?" She asked gently, as she ran a soothing hand down her back, trying to comfort her. Her mother used to do that to her all the time when she was upset. "No, grandma is out of the country for the week. I can't get a hold of her." Alexis said sniffling. Beckett finally snapped out of it as she realized that Alexis was still clinging to her in the middle of the E.R. waiting room. She gently led Alexis over to a chair making her sit down. The boys were doing their best to try and comfort Alexis as well, Beckett too.* Castle's a fighter. He's not going anywhere without one. *Ryan said gently whispering to Alexis giving her a soft squeeze of her shoulder, his eyes also locked with Beckett's.

Beckett didn't know how long they stayed there just waiting for any form of news. It's been four hours since they found out about the shooting. Esposito been keeping Lanie grounded who's been threatening a nurse to give them more information rather than he was still in surgery.

Ryan's got people out trying to contact Castle's mother, while Beckett's been lost in her thoughts or taking care of Alexis. If it wasn't for his daughter, she would have broken down hours ago. Finally, just when Beckett didn't think she could take it any longer, a doctor wearing a surgical mask around his neck finally came into the waiting room. "Family for Richard Castle?''

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><p>I'm hoping this was easier to read. If not let me know and I'll try to fix it. Yet, again... Reviews please.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

It's been a long time, I know. I got so many excuses it's not funny. My main one is, I'm in college and working full time. I have an hour in between school and then work. Which is used for hw and getting dressed for work. So it's not a lot of time. I'll do my best to update at least once a month. Also next chapter I'll have the layout you want. I just wanted to get this out.

Also don't own Castle.

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><p>Castle doesn't even really understand what is going on, but it feels like he's floating as he calls out. "Hello? Hello?" A team of nurses and doctors are quickly pushing Castle's gurney down the hall way. "What do we have?" The lead doctor asks as they were quick to reach the surgery room, the paramedic rushes to answer. "He was shot twice, once in abdomen and in the neck." The young female paramedic then goes on to tell them the rest of Castle's medical history, and the young woman who was helping to save Richard Castle was a huge fan.<p>

Which if Castle wasn't about to bleed to death he might find it ironic, one of his fans wanted him dead, but another was there saving his life. His eyes felt so heavy, it felt like he could sleep forever; he couldn't…too much pain. It's what kept him going. It made him realize he was still alive. Weakly, Castle called out. "Beckett…remind her of her promise, take care of Alexis. She promised." Castle tried to stay awake, but he had used the last of his strength to make sure that Alexis would be taking care of, slowly the darkness claimed him once more.

It's been two and half days since the shooting; Beckett didn't know what to think or how to react to the news of Castle being shot. Mostly, she was numb; she would have broken down many of times if it wasn't for Martha and Alexis. She couldn't lose him, she just couldn't. That saying, "You don't know what you got till it's gone," really hit Beckett hard. She was a complete and utter fool. She loved Castle and once this was over, she was going to finally tell him.

Beckett let out a small sigh as she shifted slightly in the very uncomfortable hospital chair; she quickly stopped moving once she realized that Alexis was snug against her side. She was sleeping, finally. Beckett glanced down at the young woman, but right now she looked like a little girl that was in desperate need of her father. Beckett blinked back the tears that threaten to fall once more; this had been way too close for comfort.

This reminded her too much of what happened to her mother. She was nearly the same age as Alexis was now, but just a few years older than when she lost her mother. Beckett was so grateful that Alexis hadn't lost her father; she knew Alexis needed her and no child should have to go through that. Yet, Beckett had a lot of selfish reasons as well. She survived her mother's death by getting lost in Castle's books—he saved her. Who would have saved her if she lost him? No one. She wouldn't have survived. She would have been broken. She needed him, he was her one and done. God, why couldn't she have seen that before now?

Alexis shifted slightly in her arms, and then suddenly jerked right up breathing heavily as she looked around the room. She slowly calmed down when her eyes landed on her father. He was so pale and so still; this wasn't him. Her father was a happy, carefree man. He was always laughing and moving around—never being able to keep still. He was always having something in his hands to keep him entertained.

From either a random object that was a toy or his phone playing Angry Birds or Twitter. "When are they going to wake him up?" Alexis asked as she glanced over at Beckett, her face turning a bright red from embarrassment. She hadn't meant to freak out the way she had, just the dream seemed so real. She thought her father's shooter had come back and finished the job.

The man who shot Castle had gotten away free, they didn't have any leads what so ever. They were all hoping that once Castle woke he'd have some answers; some clues that would lead them to who would ever did this to him. "Whenever he is good and ready." Beckett gently told Alexis. "He's your father, and you know how stubborn he is; he's not going to wake up when everyone wants him to." She said with a soft chuckle trying to put Castle's daughter at ease.

Then suddenly the heart monitor started going crazy and then choking noises.


End file.
